DIVERSIONARY TACTICS Folks, although I'm sure you don't need yer old pal Jerky to tell you this, he's gonna say it anyway. There is some awfully fucked up shit going down in the world these days. So that's why we're gonna take it down a notch and run another 8-year-old cartoon of mine. Let me know if you like it, and maybe I'll draw up some new ones every once in a while! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 12 On this day in 1942, Anne Frank receives a diary as a birthday present. Years later, she will have to posthumously endure every teen-age girl's worst nightmare as millions of people pore over every damn word she wrote. I mean, like, hasn't anybody ever heard of privacy!? On this day in 1792, while mapping out the Pacific coast, explorer George Vancouver discovers Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. "Wow," he says to himself at the time, "what an amazing coincidence!" And here's two from the "their parents must be pround" file… On this day in 1979, Bryan Allen flew a human-propelled aircraft by the name of Gossamer Albatross across the English Channel. It took him two hours and forty-nine minutes. Also on this very same day, Kevin St. Onge takes an ordinary, everyday playing card and flicks it an incredible one hundred and eighty-five feet… a world record that still stands to this day. On this day in 1839, the first ever baseball game is played on American soil. In what other nations the game was played before that, yer old pal Jerky has no idea, nor does he care to find out. Baseball is about as worthy of "spectating" to yer old pal Jerky as ditch digging, floor-mopping or industrial water filtration.

THEY SAID IT! "So Bob Hope lived to be 100, and that’s wrong. Bob Hope is everything that was wrong with America in the 20th century—lucky, opportunistic, selfish, two-faced, sophomoric, shortsighted, undeservedly rich, intolerably smug. Bob Hope is everything that’s wrong with the 21st century, too. He’s still here, isn’t he?" - I think it's safe to say that Dave Weilenga's 100th birthday wishes for Bob Hope, printed in the Orange County Weekly, diverged somewhat from the norm. *** *** *** "In the three decades since Watergate, this is the first potential scandal I have seen that could make Watergate pale by comparison. If the Bush Administration intentionally manipulated or misrepresented intelligence to get Congress to authorize, and the public to support, military action to take control of Iraq, then that would be a monstrous misdeed." - So says John Dean, in this excellent and thorough op/ed piece for Findlaw.com. And if anybody has the first-hand experience to pass this kind of judgement, it's John Dean.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Calver Lee... Q: What did the lesbian couple call their Ice Cream Shop? A: Lickety-Split! *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Jim Eby for sending in today's second joke. A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgement. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the Pearly Gates an into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said, "I'm waiting in line for judgement, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan, "They're all from the Pacific Northwest... they're still too wet to burn." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY C.H. Woody sent in today's worst joke, which is horribly racist, and which we only present here to you now as an example of how horrible racism can be. Q: What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican with a Chinese? A: A car thief who can't drive!

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky, Speaking of Spike Lee, Spike TV and the upcoming pager lawsuit from Bruce Almighty... will this set precedence so that I may claim restitution over Harry and the Hendersons, When Harry Met Sally, Harry Potter and that idiot Harry on Third Rock? When each of these came out, I was harassed due to their use of my name. Signed: ~Har˛ Dear Har; I sure fuckin' hope not! *** **** *** Jerky, old pal, I beg to differ with your opinion of Garfield. [see yesterday's Dirt - Jerky] Garfield is absolutely the funniest cartoon strip being printed today. Please don't take this as an insult; I am not angry with you. I am a firm believer in the universal freedom people should have to voice their opinion, and fully understand that we each have our own ideas on what's funny. I simply wished to voice to you my OWN opinion on Garfield the Cat. Thank you for listening. Signed: Your Old Pal Mal Dear Mal; When it comes to Garfield, if you've read three, you've read them all. Seriously, the cat either 1) eats something he's not supposed to, 2) is cruel to his owner and/or co-pets, or 3) exhibits extreme laziness. That's it. Once you've read this paragraph, you never need to read another Garfield comic strip. You're welcome! *** **** *** MOP Jerky; I think back in the 90's you ran either a joke or a Worst Joke about a skeleton. I have been asking myself for years WHY it's funny, but to no avail. The joke is, "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Bartender, gimme a beer...and a mop." i've been laughing my ass off over this and getting groans out of enough individuals to constitute masses for years. What I want to know is, Jerky, my old pal, WHY is this joke funny? Signed: 6 Dear Six; You know what they say. If you have to ask...

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: BIG COCK "DANGER" REBUTTAL! Care of: Earnest P. Hunter Dear Mr. LeBeouf; I just had to comment on the letter about the big dick and the lying friend. Just as there is nothing wrong with having a small pee pee (as long as you aren't planning to use it to fuck with), there is nothing inherently dangerous about a big dick. In fact, many women I know, while preferring something in the 7-9 inch range (thank you God), like the extra thrill (mostly psychological) they get from a really huge love rod every now and again. Despite shagging some truly monstrous cocks, none of the women I know have ever complained of serious injuries to their pleasure holes, one, two or around the world. For Kate to even suggest that a big shlong could cause such tremendous damage to her friend's slippery pink (we must wonder - was it really a "friend"), is ludicrous and naive. Granted, the bladder is softer tissue than the skin but to think that you could puncture it with a penis is akin to thinking I could run you through with a loaf of stale French bread. Not even taking into account all the other tissue that would have to be torn through first (cervix, uterine wall, etc.) or the intense and severe pain that her friend would have been in, that is SO the story that a woman tells when she stuck something in her snatch that she shouldn't. An organic penis (even the hard as rock boners of a 18 year old lad) would simply be incapable of puncturing anything as pliable and strong as a bladder. My wife is a doctor, so was my dad, and my step-mom is a nurse/administrator so I hear all the stories. For example, men who attend at the hospital emergency room with non-human, foreign objects stuffed in their back doors invariably explain that they fell on the object. FELL ON THE OBJECT! Can you imagine?! How do you fall on a small glass jar and miraculously have it slip in the lower end of your digestive tract? It's impossible. The nurses and doctors know it is impossible. However, everyone plays along and says "oh yes, fell on the screwdriver handle and it slipped in, happens all the time Mr. Smith." After all, no one wants to confront a man who has a bottle of aftershave in his colon. So, if Ms. "believes everything she hears" can't sleep at night without believing that her friend had a tragic big dick accident she is welcome to that fantasy, BUT SHE SHOULDN"T BLAME IT ON A BIG DICK!!!! Of course, all of this begs the question as to why Kate even knew about the excessively bloody cooch (oh, it was difficult to type that). Were they just having a discussion about who had fucked the guy with the biggest wang or was she going down on her friend and needed an explanation for the heavy flow? And what is with the magical after sex pills? Do they mystically repair her friend's ruptured bladder post coitus? On the other hand, as a curious male, I would LOVE to know what her slutty friend did shove up her pleasure canal (or should I ask what she fell on?) and what exercises she does to keep her skanky cock-pit tight enough to even be able to feel that someone is fucking her. Sincerely, E. p. Hunter [Buddy, that's one helluva long way to go just to brag about your dick! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com