A WHOLE MESS OF UGLY! Okay, first things first, yer old pal Jerky had some personal problems he had to attend to, so the first part of today's Daily Dirt is a repeat from last year. I think it's a pretty good one, though, so please don't be too pissed off. Everything else in this Dirt is fresh, and also, there's an excellent new edition of Rotwang's Rock and Roll Deathlab to read (this week, learn about the secret link between porn and disco!), as well as a new vision of horror at the Uglitron, so be sure to check those out. Tomorrow we'll be back with all new stuff, including a number of readers' attempts to answer the riddle of how blind people know when it's time to stop wiping their ass after taking a dump. And now, without further ado... here's a re-run! *** **** *** We here at the Daily Dirt spend much of our time pondering the ugliest aspects of the human race. It's a thankless, heart-rending task, but somebody's got to do it; and if not us, then who? The people who write for the Washington Times?! Hah! The very thought makes yer old pal Jerky piss blood from laughing so hard. But still, there is time for perspective, yes? After all, humans are only one of many species that infest the surface of this crusty magma ball we call Earth. Surely, we can't be the worst of the lot! There simply must be some animals out there that are more vile, disgusting, and just generally worse than the we are. And, in the interest of fairness to ourselves, it behooves us to point these fuckers out so we can mock and revile them, even if only to temporarily boost our own bottom-sucking morale. But the problem arises… what criteria does one go by? Because aesthetics is a time-honored method humans have always used to judge things - and because we don't know any better, and are strapped for time - we have opted to go the shallow route, basing our opinions on the YUCK factor. Ugly equals evil, basically. And you know it's true! Once the criteria was decided upon, we all set out to find the most heinous-looking creatures on the planet. We scoured encyclopedias, strip-mined the web, and even consulted eldritch, hide-bound tomes we will some day probably live to regret ever seeing. And we did it all for you. So you owe us. Big time. Anyway, here are the three animals considered by the Daily Dirt editorial board (and numerous outside consultants) to be the BUTT-UGLIEST BEASTS WE'VE EVER LAID EYES UPON! ENJOY!!! PAGING MISTER LOVECRAFT... TINY TERROR FROM THE DEEP… They say beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone. Where, then, to stop measuring the ugliness of a creature without a skeleton? In vampyroteuthis infernalis's case, we probably needn't worry… "never-ending ugly" just about sums it up. And while it would be nice to look at this creature's nomenclature as proof that not all biologists are humorless dweebs, such a conclusion isn't really justified. After all, what else could the unfortunate individual who discovered this Lovecraftian nightmare have named it but Vampire Squid from Hell? This thing is so disgustingly, disturbingly hideous, even Chinese people won't eat it! Here are a few facts about this thankfully rare creature: neither squid nor octopus, the Vampire Squid belongs to it's own family… Vampyromorpha! Only a foot long, proportionately, the Vampire Squid has the largest eyes of any animal in the world, and in keeping with today's theme, they're hideous, resembling nothing so much as giant, pink, skinned grapes. Instead of suckers on its tentacles, it has vicious little hooks to grab and rip its prey. And finally, proving that ugly is as ugly does, the Vampire Squid from Hell has one of the animal kingdom's most grotesque defense mechanisms… when threatened, it turns its asshole towards the aggressor and blasts out slimy loops of its own intestines at them! DEAR GOD… WHY?!? "POINT ME TO YOUR ASSHOLE!" NOT-SO-TINY TERROR FROM THE DEEP Perhaps the most pathetic-looking creature in the oceans, the Goblin shark is an extremely rare, slow-swimming shark. You know how drug companies have to test all their pills to make sure they don't cause birth defects? Well, the Goblin shark pretty much looks like something out of a pharmaceutical research technician's worst-case-scenario. Sporting the always-attractive color combination of splotchy pink and mottled grey, the Goblin's most distinctive feature is probably its mouth, which is unattached to the rest of its body, allowing the Goblin to thrust its tooth-ringed maw at - or, more disturbingly, deeper into - anything in it sees fit. Very little is known about this unusual and incredibly rare shark, but yer old pal Jerky can guarantee you one thing: if given half a chance, this fucking monstrosity will very likely sneak up and tear your delicious rectum right out from between your butt cheeks, coring you like an apple in an excruciatingly painful display of its contempt for the human race. I mean, seriously… just LOOK at it!!! "GAZE UPON ME AND DESPAIR, MORTAL." SATAN'S CROTCH LICE… It goes by many names: Sun scorpion. Camel spider. Wind Scorpion. Despite this, it is neither spider, nor scorpion. Like the Vampire Squid from Hell, above, this antediluvian freak belongs to its very own group: Arachnidan Solifugae. And it's all ugly. As huge as it is disgusting to look at, this desert dweller can be found pretty much anywhere there is lots of dry sand and heat, and wherever they are found, the locals invariably kill them on sight. But the most soul-shatteringly hideous incarnation is found in the Middle East, from whence many a Desert Storm veteran returned with horrific tales of these nearly foot-long land-lobsters chasing them down at ferocious speeds, climbing up their backs and inflicting serious bites to the face, neck and skull. While not poisonous, their jaws are extremely powerful, and they do have a taste for meat of all kinds… birds, rats and camels are all fair game for this Hell-spawned nightmare bug. What was Noah thinking when he let two of these incredibly disgusting creatures on the ark? What was God thinking when he created them?! AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 26 On this day in the year 1945, American President Franklin Delano Roosevelt's and Brit Prime Minister Winston Churchill's plot to replace the doomed League of Nations with a new international organization to force their pinko-liberal-homo agenda on ostensibly free nations in the postwar world came one step closer to reality when representatives from fifty nations gathered in the Herbst Theater auditorium in San Francisco (figures!) to sign the United Nations Charter. The Charter called for the U.N. to enforce international treaties, promote vile socialist programs, destroy national sovereignty by establishing international law, promote the dubious and sinister notion of so-called "human rights," and terrify many fine, upstanding Americans by building secret concentration camps right under our noses and flying unmarked, black helicopters over empty fields throughout the Heartland. Despite this endless parade of crimes against freedom and the Lord God Jesus, since 1945, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded five times to the United Nations and its organizations, and five times to individual U.N. officials, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that this shadowy cabal of egg-head Swedes are totally in cahoots with these fascistic, would-be international overlords. On this day in 1948, things were looking bleak in post-war Europe. The Soviet Union, upset over having been cut out of the decision-making process regarding Germany's economic future, had recently taken the rather bold, bullying move of imposing a military blockade, choking off all roads and rail-lines leading into the city of West Berlin, which is located entirely within the Soviet-controlled, East German zone of occupation. Figuring it would be bad form to spark World War III so soon after the end of World War II, President Harry Truman put the kaibosh on his Joint Cheifs of Staff recommendation for military retaliation, opting instead to institute a massive airlift effort, flying in food, supplies and - we can be pretty sure about this - decks of cards with nekkid ladies on 'em to the city besieged. It was a public relations master-stroke that pretty much glued a black hat on the USSR, as far as Cold War role-playing was concerned. *** **** *** WORLD'S FIRST BLEACHING BITCH! And, finally, on this day in the year 2000, a new curse-word was introduced to the public at large, in the Lewd Lexicon section of the Daily Fuckin' Dirt! Come back with me now to those thrilling days of yesteryear, and relive the birth of a legend! BLEACH v. referring to the growing fad of having an aesthetician bleach one's anus in order to remove unwanted discoloration, therefore making said orifice more attractive to others. Suggests immense vanity and deep-rooted personality disorders in both the bleacher and the bleached. First known case of bleaching: Lara Flynn Boyle. Allow yer old pal Jerky to suggest some ways you could slip this dynamic new word into your own conversations… Example number one: You and a friend are standing by the food court in the mall when a sharply-dressed, angular-featured woman with impeccable hair purposefully strides past, leaving behind a faint trail of Chanel number 5. You turn to your buddy and say: "She looks like a bleacher." "Yeah," your buddy replies. "She bleaches." Example number two: A business-type in an expensive German car cuts you off. A few red lights later, you catch up to him. You roll down your window, look him square in the eye and say: "Hey, you bleaching fuck! I bet you bleach once a month!" Example number three: You're going down on your girlfriend and you get a good look at her pooper. Although it doesn't smell, an icky brown patina from all those years of use and abuse is clearly visible. So you look up at your girlfriend and say: "Hey babe, don't you think it's time you thought about bleaching that sucker?" People, I humbly beg you to assist yer old pal Jerky in launching this new word into the public consciousness… go out and spread the word!

THEY SAID IT! "During election times, we tend to lose our grandmothers, grandfathers and young children. They just disappear. But I want to warn you all that you should not resort to ritual murder. Don't do that, because you might get caught and then you will not achieve your dream of going to Parliament." - Swaziland's King Mswati III tells a crowd of more than 15,000 people in the city of Mbabane that they shouldn't resort to using "mutis", which are supernatural dolls made with the bodyparts of ritually murdered victims, in order to win elections. The witchdoctors, for their part, are insulted by the insinuation, claiming that no witchdoctor worth his salt would commit such an act, which is strictly forbidden by the "emadloti," or ancestral spirits. *** *** *** "I can do this thing, usually with really drunk customers, I lay on my back a certain way and make sure the lights are off. I reach my hand around, under my pussy and cup it so it's like a vagina and make sure it's all filled with lube. Then with my other hand, I grab their thingy and place it inside. They think they're inside me, but they're really inside my hand. Pretty mean of me I know, but the drunk ones don't notice. Got caught once. Thought I was gonna get my ass kicked, but I explained to the guy that I'ze sore and needed to give my pussy a rest. He was understanding but still wanted to go inside." - Learn the secrets of a small town prostitute in this compelling, exclusive interview by our old pal Wayne C. Lewis. You can read the rest of his interview here.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Henry Bent... The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Bitsy for sending in today's second joke. Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!" "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Perry A. DeWees sent in this crap joke. Q. What does a gay man call a dingal berry? A. A crouton You know tossing the salad, crouton... get it.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Damn i swear you woulnd't be happy liveing anywhere let alone the best nation in the world if you hate this country so bad then why don't you get the fuck out you are just as bad as your bitch brother tim robins if you make a public statement you are open to bieng verbaly slapped like the bitch for not keeping her mouth shut just like those stinkie dixie cunts so tell my we do bitches like you try to shit in the hands of the people who give you they freedom to to come and go out of this country like a free little bitch i understand you run a little piss ant dirt page but at times you really got a bad case of diharea of the jaw and the impression you send out is that you are a communist pig if you protest publicly then we can prostest you and i can voice my opinion just as you can dick wanna be so does writing the shit you do make you feel like the little dick you have is much bigger i bet your dick is so small you watch your friends satisfy your girls asshole and then you lick the shit off of thier dicks get a clue and quit tring to shit on the country that has made you a free person even if it was done before you were squeezed out of your moms fuck hole ungratful asswipe Signed: Mr bitch slapper Dear Mr. bitch slapper; I couldn't have said it better myself. *** **** *** Dear Jerky; Over the last few editions, I have seen you use the term USG on a number of occasions. Usually you use it when discussing the bad guys (can you tell I agree with you mostly?). I almost hate to ask this, so pardon my ignorance, but what the heck does USG stand for? Signed: MiddleMan Dear MM; USG stands for the "United States Government," an institution which was recently hijacked by a criminal cabal, and which is currently thriving, as opposed to the USA, which stands for the "United States of America," a beautiful dream that is dying. I got tired of writing about how "the USA did this" or "the USA bombed that" when, in fact, that simply was never the case. And it has never been MORE not the case than right fucking now, if you know what I mean. *** **** *** Hey How are you? I just finished baking some white chocolate cookies and I just ate some man they were good!! Yum Yum!! Anyway, I was wondering when you are coming to WA. Would you like to stay at my house? We can go places together. It was my birthday the other day, I was twenty. I got a manchester united shirt. It looks wicked. If you want to get me a present that would be really good. Anything to do with manchester united. (they are the best!) Apart from that I still have my job on the internet its good I like it. I am hoping to go to Sydney soon, just as soon as I have sold my valuables like my stamp collection etc. Anyway, I gotta go. Nice talking to you. Please write back! All my love! Signed: Miki Man oh man. This might just be the weirdest spam yer old pal Jerky has ever recieved.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: A SPECIAL MESSAGE REGARDING GENERIC DRUGS Care of: Jean Since the cost of prescription drugs is so outrageous, I thought everyone I knew should know about this. Please read the following and pass it on. On Monday night (July 22), Steve Wilson, an investigative reporter for Channel 7 News in Detroit, did a story on generic drug price gouging by pharmacies. He found in his investigation, that some of these generic drugs were marked up as much as 3,000% or more. Yes, that's not a typo..... three thousand percent! So often, we blame the drug companies for the high cost of drugs, and usually rightfully so. But in this case, the fault clearly lies with the pharmacies themselves. For example, if you had to buy a prescription drug, and bought the name brand, you might pay $100 for 100 pills. The pharmacist might tell you that if you get the generic equivalent, they would only cost $80, making you think you are "saving" $20. What the pharmacist is not telling you is that those 100 generic pills may have only cost him $10! At the end of the report, one of the anchors asked Mr. Wilson whether or not there were any pharmacies that did not adhere to this practice, and he said that Costco consistently charged little over their cost for the generic drugs. I went to the Costco site, where you can look up any drug, and get its on-line price. It says that the in-store prices are consistent with the on-line prices. I was appalled. Just to give you one example from my own experience, I had to use the drug, Compazine, which helps prevent nausea in chemo patients. I used the generic equivalent, which cost $54.99 for 60 pills at (CENSORED). I checked the price at Costco, and I could have bought 100 pills for $19.89. For 145 of my pain pills, I paid $72.57. I could have gotten 150 at Costco for $28.08. I would like to mention, that although Costco is a "membership" type store, you do NOT have to be a member to buy prescriptions there, as it is a federally regulated substance. You just tell them at the door that you wish to use the pharmacy, and they will let you in. I am asking each of you to please help me by copying this letter, and pasting it into your own email, and send it to everyone you know with an email address. Regards, Jean [Of course, yer old pal Jerky has no way of knowing exactly how true this is, so, as always with these e-mail forwards, caveat lector! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com