DONCHA LOVE BEING LIED TO? So what happened to them? Where did Saddam Hussein's much-ballyhooed Weapons of Mass Destruction go? They were, after all, the sole justification for invading that country, killing thousands of civilians, an untold number of soldiers, and imposing liberty on some of the world's richest oil fields. Or, at least, that was the reason given by Colin Powell during his (humiliatingly debunked) UN Security Council presentations. Now, after scouring every site listed by the CIA, the NSA and the Pentagon as being likely or potential locations for biological and/or chemical weapons stashes, teams of weapon-hunters equipped with hi-tech detection devices have come up dry. This should mean serious trouble for Preznit Dubya and his rogue administration, right? He seems to have allowed himself to be convinced by his neocon advisors to launch an illegal, imperialist invasion - the very same war this very same cabal failed to convince Dubya's daddy, and then, Clinton, to start - valid justification be damned. Just choose some bullshit excuse and run with it. Once the invasion begins, all those annoying questions will surely stop dead in their tracks when the rising swell of feel-good patriotic glop engulfs and drowns the questioners. And afterwards, when victory is secure… who will have time for second-guessing with all that victorious afterglow in which to bask? Now that victory seems less total, if no less secure - and now that said "afterglow" seems to be more like a slag-pile of depleted uranium, casting off a sickly half-life night-light - what can we expect to happen? Will a newly enlightened American people rise up and express outrage at being so blatantly lied to by their leaders? Will senior officials in this administration have to pay a price for distorting, misrepresenting, even fabricating evidence that plunged America and England into a businessman's war against a virtually toothless enemy? Will hastily convened, closed-door Senate Intelligence Committee hearings into "intelligence failures" get to the heart of the matter? Pardon yer old pal Jerky while he bites his finger to the bone at the hilarity of the above scenarios. No… it seems the only thing left to do now is for the war profiteers and the Powers That Be to choose a proper scapegoat. Will the blame be placed on the shoulders of George Tenet's CIA? They seem to be leaning that way. How about blaming former President Bill Clinton? It's always worked before! Blame Satan? That might play in the sticks, but what about the nation's more civilized corners? Whatever the ultimate choice, be sure to tune in to FOX News for daily hints and clues about the Bush administration's future plans! Material for the above report was taken from the following sources. *** **** *** England's House of Lords is in the grips of a homosexual panic this week, as a recently tabled law that would ban fucking and sucking from public restrooms is being assailed by weepy, limp-wristed flamers as "blatantly homophobic," despite the fact that it covers both sexes… and, yer old pal Jerky assumes, domesticated animals of all kinds. Peter Tatchell, of the typically over-the-top gay rights group OutRage!, flamboyantly emoted to the press: "By singling out public toilets it targets sex behavior between gay men and ignores sex in other public places involving heterosexuals." Yeah! Because we all know about how straight people just love to fuck at the library, or on the roof at McDonald's, or in the back pews of church during mass… Anyway, Tatchell concluded his ramble: "If there is no victim, there should be no crime!" Tell you what, dude. If yer old pal Jerky is ever overwhelmed by a crap urge so intense that he is actually willing to consider using a roadside toilet - and upon entering said toilet he sees that the floor is coated with lakes of semen in varying states of crustification, and every stall is occupied by duos and/or trios of bestial, grunting, same-sex fornicators, leaving him no choice but to turn around, run for dear life, and crap in his trousers - he will most definitely feel like a victim. Yer old pal Jerky was delighted to see that his old pal Dennis Miller's desperate and pathetic whoring has finally paid off with a paying gig on the Fox News Channel! Even though most of his former fan-base stopped paying attention to him after he got lost during a spelunking expedition up der Fuhrer-monkey's ass sometime after 9/11, that doesn't mean the motherfucker should starve to death. He used to be funny once, after all. And who knows? Maybe his recent headlong dive into the kind of crapulant, jingoistic bullshit that he used to recognize as being ridiculous and destructive is just part of a long term plan to infiltrate the Dark Side and gather information from the inside, out. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 13 On this day in 1986, the sky above Los Angeles darkens and every songbird goes silent for six hundred and sixty-six seconds when Olsen Twins are born. On this day in the year 1981, television host Tom Snyder interviews Charles Manson on his late-night program, Tomorrow. Viewers have a hard time deciding which wildly gesticulating loon is more deranged. On this day in the year 1983, America’s Pioneer 10 space probe reaches the outermost boundaries of our Solar System and slips into the inky black nothingness of interstellar space. Yer old pal Jerky finds it strangely comforting that - even after the last, toxin-riddled member of our suicidal species gurgles its final, pain-wracked breath - these hunks of metal we’ve sent hurtling through the cosmos will still be carving a path through the void, blinking eternally, transmitting information in languages no living lips will speak. On this day in 1955, a single Mercedes racing car kills 83 spectators and the driver - Pierre Levegh - during the 24 hour Le Mans race, in France. It is the single worst disaster in the history of race car driving, and causes Mercedes to quit racing their vehicles for thirty years. If you can read Italian, here's an excellent website about it. On this day in 323 BC, debauched bisexual conqueror Alexander the Great dies of AIDS or something in Babylon.

THEY SAID IT! "Is half a Hiroshima OK? Is a quarter Hiroshima OK? Is a little mushroom cloud OK? That's absurd. The issue is too important. If we build it, we'll use it." - Senator Edward Kennedy on takes part in the Senate Democrats' failed efforts to keep Bush & Co from lifting a ban on the development of smaller, more usable nuclear warheads, thereby dramatically shifting the nation's defense policy. *** *** *** "I've seen a nude picture of the Hulk. It's not pretty; it can be used as a weapon. I can't see the Hulk having sex." - Granola-abusing thespian Nick Nolte waxes priapic about the title character from his upcoming film, The HULK, which yer old pal Jerky is totally stoked to see, shitty CGI or no.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Martha Kristens... While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and see finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable." The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Charlie Bratt for sending in today's second joke. It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!!!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theater. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Keith actually went to the trouble of NUMBERING his shitty jokes. Careful you don't over-groan yourself reading these. 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world. 3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; In yesterday's Worst Joke section, you wrote: "C.H. Woody sent in today's worst joke, which is horribly racist, and which we only present here to you now as an example of how horrible racism can be." Did you go politically correct on me? Signed: Lawrence Dear dude-with-a-faggoty-name; I ran the joke, didn't I? *** **** *** Hail Sir Jerky, The other day my mate invited me to his place in Auckland (NZ). As I live on the Coromandel, I took with me some "Coromandel Gold." Whilst I was at his place, he got the guys from McDonalds Takeaways (no shit) to come around and empty his septic tank. So there we both were, sucking on a joint, watching these dudes suck up 5 years of his life. And this got me to thinking... Is this what life is all about? You know, ya eat, drink, fuck & smoke and it all ends as one big smelly glug being swallowed up by big burly individuals wielding a long sucky pipe to be disposed of along with rest of the residents crap? Where's the point to it all? Anyways, my mate finished his joint and chucked the butt in to join the rest of the mess to be sucked away and he turned to me and said; "Man, I've got to some more of this shit." and then shuffled off to the loo. So my question is, Jerky; which shit was he referring to? Signed: Santa Dear Santa; I'll answer your question if you answer mine. What the fuck happened to that Six Million Dollar Man playset I asked you for in 1976? I waited twenty fuckin' years on that shit before giving up hope. Do you have any idea how much your broken promises have messed me up inside? WELL??? DO YOU?!?!? *** **** *** Hey, Jerky! After reading your cartoon on June 12, 2003 issue, I strongly suggest you stick to writing regular old Dirts. Signed: Steve Sheesh! Gimme a fuckin' break, dude! I drew that thing eight fuckin' years ago! Jesus Christ!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: CONSPIRACY! Care of: Bob Campbell Jr. MOPJ; Dude, You gotta help a brotha out on this one. Man, this is a conspiracy theroist's WET DREAM. The F.C.C. is gonna make it ok for companies to own multiple markets? Even Howard Stern says its a good idea. Do you think Dubbya is buing all those stations? Can you see the Mormons or Moonies buying sevral newspapers, radio stations and a couple TV stations? Or Jerry Fallwell heading a group of crazed religious backers? Oh, yeah, I realize crazed and religious don't go together in this country, that's just the middle east. Here, when a group blows up a building its either they went over the line or they were doing god's work - or whatever the catch phrase is for clinic bombers to absolve them of murder in the minds of the AborQueda (Hey, that was a neat thing, huh). So, proving my point, a cop harrassing a homeless guy - which they dont do enough of in my home town - and guess what, some religious groups support him? Jerky, I can see he actually made a few seconds of the Olympics entertaining - but Jesus, support him. Oh, he blew up abortion clinics and a fag bar. Jerky, I agree with my wife on abortion. Of course, I dont know her opinion because it never came up, I guess as a man I can't decide what a chick should do with her body - if I could I wouldn't be emailing your ass cause they'd be lined up begging to swallow my warm love sauce. Now, I dont understand fags either, but shit, I dont have to. I also don't think any god advocates murdering fags. [You obviously aren't up on your Leviticus. Then again, the same god says you should kill people for back-sassing your folks, or eating lobster, so FUCK that god! - Jerky] Are religious zelots so fucking paranoid they have to have you agree with them or die? [Yes. - Jerky] Which leads to my culmination of conspiracy. Yes, Dubbya got Clinton to say the words - more than 2 terms. And just hours later Iran must die. And lets be honest, Even the most anti-American involvement hippie hates Iran. Being a Gen Xer, I remeber the hostages and that wackie Ayatolla. And their leader still has the same first name. Conveinient! Going into an election with a sluggish economy? Fuck it - go for Iran. And if every couple of years your incompetance is shining like a load of cum on a pornstarlet, go shit can another Muslim country. And to ensure the educated vote and get some rednecks, say you want Israel to be responsible. Holy shit, and have a previous liked preznit come out and say "Give Us More Time" and you could be preznit for 6 terms. So the FCC giving the Dubbya supporters all the outlets, showing only the good parts of Dubbya (hey at the right camra angle even my dick looks 12 inches long) and wars, and advocating Dubbya for 4 more years every 4 years and BAM - you got a conspiracy. Seriously-we are fucked. In time the Jerry Fallwell Channel, with The Grahm Hour (His kids) on the Rush Limbaugh Radio Station promoting Al Sharpton as the Leading Democratic contender. Yes, Dubbya in his way, is genius. Dude, I already started downloading all the porn I can so I actually have some when these freaks make jerking off a capitol offense. - Bob Campbell Jr. [You, too, are a genius in your own special way, Bob. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com