THINK LOCAL / ACT GLOBAL Everybody knows the French are a little fucked in the head, but this is ridiculous. A French fisherman was casting his line in the River Yvette this week when he reeled in a bag which, to his surprise, contained two-and-a-half pounds of cannibis resin. Then he spotted another bag, and fished it out of the water. Then another. Then another! By the end of the day, this lucky little froggy had collected 30 fuckin' bags of high grade cannabis resin from that generous, wonderful river. The shit wasn't even stepped on! And do you know what he did with his find, dear reader? He fuckin' put it in his little Renault "half-a-car" or whatever glorified Euro-toy it is he drives, and he brings it to the nearest police station. Fucking idiot. Why doesn't this shit ever happen to yer old pal Jerky, goddamnit?! WHY?! According to a totally unreliable goofball who heads up the Iraqi National Congress - an organization of exiled Iraqi fraudsters that the USG is paying mucho moola to pretend to be a "grass-roots" Iraqi revolutionary movement - Saddam Hussein has been spotted around Baghdad paying out wads of cash to any Iraqi who could prove that he'd killed an American soldier. "Now, he's put a price on American soldiers. He will pay bounty for every American soldier killed in Iraq now. This has been spread around in the western part of the country," Ahmed Chalabi (the goofball in question) told the Council on Foreign Relations (yup) upon his return from a recent Pentagon-sponsored trip to Iraq. Using money allegedly stolen from Baghdad's biggest bank by his crazy son Uday just before the American attack got started, the deposed dictator's shopping spree also included the purchase of a couple snazzy suicide vests. Yer old pal Jerky likes to accessorize his own suicide vest with a couple fragmentation grenades and a nice ammunition belt, but far be it from me to give tips to a psycho-sartorial master such as Saddam Frickin' Hussein. And speaking of Saddam, the beret-wearing twat can apparently add "number one hit video producer" to his long list of accomplishments. According to the BBC, the hottest video being traded on the streets of Baghdad these days (after the Finding Nemo bootleg) is Saddam's own home-made "Faces of Death" video, featuring footage of executions and even scenes of torture from the days of the Shi'a rebellion in 1991, all filmed for posterity by members of Saddam's military and secret police. Psychologist Abd al-Muhsin al-Khayat explained people's interest in seeing the tapes thusly: "There are many possible explanations. They might have a missing or a person who was executed, so they try to identify him through the tapes. The other explanation is that some young people like sensational things, whether they are positive or negative." Meanwhile, yer old pal Jerky can't help but wonder who's got the North American distribution rights… Father's Day is this Sunday, and what better way to celebrate fathers than to run a story about an insane mother who chopped her baby's head off with a cleaver? That's right, you read right… in the South African town of Modimolle last week, an unnamed woman was arrested after her mother found the headless corpse of her grandchild, all gutted and cleaned out like it was being readied for a North Korean BBQ, on the kitchen table. The head was later retrieved from the shallow grave where dear old mom had buried it the night before, and the intestines were found drying on a coat hanger in the closet, so they were able to give the poor thing a decent burial, all in one piece. So you see, no matter how bleak the story, there's always a silver lining! And speaking of crazy shit happening in Africa, a fucking Boeing 727 passenger jet was fucking stolen from an Angola airport on May 25, and now the USG is worried that the mystery plane might be used as a flying missile against American targets. So people, if you happen to see a 727 flying low over your neighborhood, and you don't recognize the pilot... you better call 911 to help prevent another 911... Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 14 On this day in 1642, America's first ever compulsory education law is passed in Massachusetts, effectively forcing kids to attend school for a mandated minimum amount of instruction in reading, writing and arithmetic. Now, with hindsight, we can see that the passing of this law was nothing less than the fat kid arriving at the top of the slippery slope of nanny socialistic/communistic statism, which has led us inexorably to our current societal situation. And who but those Godforsaken liberals - or maybe a Kennedy (spit) - can deny that we are being overrun by atheistic gun-toting homosexual grade-school terrorists on crack!? Also on this day, in the year 1986, acclaimed Argentinian fantasist Jorge Luis Borges shuffles off into the labyrinth in search of stories that will forever remain untold. On this day in 1777, America's Continental Congress chooses the Stars n' Stripes to replace the Grand Union flag. It's a good thing they didn't go with their first choice for a replacement: a cartoonish portrait of King George III sucking Ben Franklin's cock, with the words "Mmmm... Daddy LIKES!" scrawled across the bottom. I mean, it makes a point, but it probably wouldn't have stood the test of time. On this day in the year 1956 - in the wake of a new American religiosity which sprouted, fungus-like, in the shadow of the mushroom cloud - President Eisenhower signs a congressional resolution adding the words "under God" to our heretofore secular Pledge of Allegiance. Previously, the last phrase read: "...one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Yer old pal Jerky much prefers the original, non-superstitious version. June 15 On this day in the year 1896, Japanese followers of the Shinto religion pick a really, really bad time to hold a beach party. As they pray and chant and do whatever it is Shinto believers do, a giant tidal wave rises up and crashes into the beach, killing over twenty-seven thousand people (!!!) and injuring nine thousand more. Now, I don’t know about you folks, but if yer old pal Jerky had survived such an event, he’d be giving some serious consideration to switching religions. On this day in 1924, the nation's native Americans are officially proclaimed citizens of the United States of America. And so yer old pal Jerky would just like to take a moment to wish a very happy "Bitter Irony Day" to all his native friends! On this day in 1969, CBS replaces the popular Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour (which they cancelled because it took a stand against the Vietnam war) with Hee Haw, featuring the hillbilly charms of Roy Clark and Buck Owens. The nation's collective IQ drops a total of five points before the first season is through. June 16 On this day in the year 1755, the loyalist Colonel Moncton and his army attack and defeat the Acadian enclave of Fort Beausejour on Canada's east coast. After that, it all turns nasty for yer old pal Jerky's ancestors. Within weeks, the Brits are burning down Acadian homes and crops, slaughtering and stealing livestock, and otherwise making a real mess of the place. Towards the end of that long, hot summer, the Brits decide they'd rather not have any French-speaking neighbors. So they round them up, load them onto rickety boats, steal what few worldly possessions they have, and ship over three-quarters of the entire Acadian population off in all directions ("anywhere but here" was their motto). Most of the deportees wind up in Louisiana, where they invented Cajun cooking and taught themselves to talk funny so the tourists would keep coming back for another heapin' helpin' o' that authentic Cajun culture! This day in 1904 is the day on which all the fictional events in James Joyce's ground-breaking novel Ulysses supposedly take place. Literary wanks call this day Bloomsday, while the Irish call it... Monday.

THEY SAID IT! "The Road Runner is the impossible dream of Don Quixote, a Platonic goal of goals, a Holy Grail to the Coyote's Parsifal, God's blessing to the Coyote's Job. The Road Runner is a child of nature uncorrupted by civilization as symbolized by the Coyote. The Coyote is the American military, and the Road Runner is the Viet Cong. The Coyote can stand for a sort of Freudian resurrection. He rises from his deadly plunges, anvil-poundings, truck-crushings and backfires to stand before us as an immortal neurotic who does the same thing again and again, expecting different results. His only joy seems to be in his work and in his faith in the ever-disappointing Acme Co. He is Sisyphus sentenced to push the rock up the mountain, and the rock, in the manner of an Acme product, always rolls back to the bottom." - Whose side are you on, boys? Whose side are you on? *** *** *** "Martha is one classy white woman, and she knows a buttload of ways to get blood out of things. Hey, Martha -- I've got a few attorneys I can recommend." - Beloved gridiron legend OJ Simpson lends some moral support to fellow scandal-figure Martha Fuckin' Stewart. Find out what other celebrities have to say about Martha's ordeal - and other funny shiznit - over at SaveMarthaStewart.com!.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal RVD... Q: What are the three two-letter words women use to describe a state of smallness? A: "Is it in?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Paolo C. for sending in today's second joke. A man walks into a whorehouse and asks to have the biggest, darkest-skinned black womam in the place. So the manager says: "Follow me." The manager takes him to the second floor, opens the first door to his right and there is a beautiful 350 pound African American women. The man replies: "She's not big enough." "Not big enough?!" the manager yells out. "That is what I said. I need a women of at least 7oo pounds." So the manager steps back, rubbing his chin, and says "Okay, come back in acouple of days and I'll see what I can do." "Thank you," says the man. A couple of days later the man comes back and the manager takes him to the second floor, opens the first door on his right and BOOM there she is, the exact kind of woman he wanted! The man tells the woman to get naked and lay on the bed spread eagle, so she does. The man stares at her pussy for ten solid minutes, then gets up and says "I'm done." The manager hasn't even left the room by this point, so he says: "What do you mean you're done?" "Well you see," came the reply, "I just painted my house black and I wanted to see what It would look like with pink shutters!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Cineman sent in today's worst joke. Two queers are walking down the street when they see Tom Cruise go by in a limo. "I've fucked him." Says one. "No shit?" Asks the other. "Well, not much."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky, How can you stand there with a shovel in one hand and a rope to an alligator/crocodile and still have blink slower than a sleeping lizard? Just a thought. Signed: Chasmur Dear Chasmur; That's not me, dude. It's just a picture! *** **** *** Hey Jerky; I followed that link you gave us to the article talking about the lifted ban on "mini-nukes" and I read a little bit down and found this in the article: "In the Senate on Tuesday, Republicans stressed that the new types of warheads -- which would be the first developed since the Cold War -- were needed because of the extraordinary threats the country now faces." What. The. Fuck. What extraordinary threats are they fucking talking about? Aliens from Mars? A couple months ago, the worst threat in the history of civilization, according to the damn government, was Iraq. So we walked in and basically just sat our asses down and that was the war. That was it. That was the major threat to our "security" and now they are talking about OTHER extraordinary threats? The only threat I can see, except the possible future threat of other countries like Germany, France, China, are going to get so pissed off at our shit, they are going to declare war on us, is the government itself. Help me understand, Jerky. Signed: Jack Carter You basically answered your own question, Jack. Basically, the puppetmasters are having their puppets tell us that we have to arm ourselves to the teeth - as though we aren't already - in order to defend ourselves from all the nations and groups that are going to try to defend themselves when the time comes for us to take over the world by force. And if any of you out there don't believe me, you haven't been reading PNAC's plots and plans. Because, with this administration, what PNAC wants, PNAC gets. *** **** *** Hey bro; I'm not trying to rub it in or anything. I haven't thought about it in years until you mentioned it, but that fucking Six Million Dollar Man playset was kick-ass. You could plug all the tubes into him, it was sweet. Damn, I wish I still had that thing. I could make some really demented movies with it. Nah... I'd just get high and say I'll do it later as usual. Later bro. Signed: J-Fox Dear J-Fox; Can you imagine using that Bionic Woman inflatable dome, or the most excellent Bionic Transport and Repair Station to make a kick-ass party-sized HOUKA-BONG?! Oh, the possibilities...

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: AN ASSHOLE CHIMES IN! Care of: Dave Hooper Hey jerky; For all your whining and bitching about people not knowing what is really going on, you should maybe, possibly pull your head out of your ass and I dunno TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING! [This I gotta see... - Jerky] First off, there is/was more than one reason we as a part of a coalition [LOL! Coalition! LOL! - Jerky] went to Iraq. It was not just the WMD, it was also to remove a genocidal mass murdering, torturing lunatic from power. [Unfortunately for your erroneous argument, that's NOT the excuse Bush/Rumsfeld/Cheney/Powell used at the United Nations. And there's a reason they didn't use it... because Saddam being an asshole is NOT enough reason to invade and take over Iraq. Nope... they said we have to go in there because they had PROOF Hussein had HUGE STOCKPILES of chemical and biological weapons. Cheney even flat out said he had proof Saddam had nuclear weapons... NUKES!!! They lied through their teeth, figuring they wouldn't have to answer for their lies once the war was over. Now that they're having to answer for their lies, they're backtracking, reverse-engineering excuses, looking for scapegoats... they're floundering. But thanks to the fact that neither the Democrats nor our bought-and-paid-for whore press has the balls to hold this crime syndicate accountable for their heinous misdeeds, they're very likely going to get away with it. So you might as well get a head start patting yourself on the back, asshole, because it's looking ood for your side. - Jerky] Let us not forget that Saddam Huesein used chemical weapons in far far more prolific fashion than any country on the planet ever has. He even used them on those of his citizens who disagreed with him, or who simply were of another ethnic group (the kurds). [Of course, you have to put so many qualifiers on your statement that it gets spun into butter. The fact remains that any serious government is going to take a serious and violent secessionist movement very seriously. If a rebel ethnic group took up arms against the American government, do you think there wouldn't be an equivalent slaughter? Sovereign nations have a right to quell internal strife. Remove the demonized personalities, and you've basically got a rebel group (the Kurds) who were stupid enough to trust the empty promises of the previous Bush administration, launching an attack against Saddam's forces, getting hung out to dry by the USA, then getting slaughtered. Hell, LINCOLN did the same damn thing, and on a far larger scale. Just because he didn't use mustard gas doesn't mean the Civil War was any more civilized. - Jerky] As for not being able to find the WMD at the sites where they were? How hard is it to move something? To hide it somewhere in a country the size of Iraq? All they had to do would be to drive the material out into the desert, dig a big assed hole, put the material into the hole, fill the hole back in, get the GPS co-ordinates, then come back for it/them later. Does the phrase "trackless desert" mean anything to you? Even YOU could manage something that simple. [And here your genius truly comes shining through. We're not talking about two empty tractor trailers or a briefcase full of anthrax, here. No sane country goes to war over shit like that, and that's NOT what the White House accused Iraq of having. The White House accused Iraq of having warehouses full of materials and equipment. VAST compounds dedicated to the research, manufacture and testing of chemical and biological weapons stockpiles. It would take convoys to move that shit, and it would take weeks to do. AND they would have had to move that stuff from locations known to American and United Nations intel... locations under 24/7 surveillance by satellites that can read fucking LICENSE PLATES. What you describe is a physical impossibility. - Jerky] You know, you and you liberal co-horts astound me Jerky, you really do. [I have no doubt of that. I imagine you're quite easy to astound. - Jerky] You want everyone to be as "open-minded", "caring", and "tolerant" as you, but if someone disagrees with you? God help them! They are automatically bigots, power mad freaks and histerical whackos. You and your liberal associates want to play by your own private set of laws and/or rules that should only apply to you beacause you "care sooo much." [First of all, I don't have any "liberal associates." Secondly, take a look at what you just wrote: "Bigots, power-mad freaks, and hysterical whackos who want to play by their own private set of laws that should only apply to them." Do you have no sense of irony? How could you type that out without realizing that you just described the Bush crime syndicate to a T? - Jerky] I really really wish you would just pull your collective heads out of the sand and join the rest of the human race. [The rest of the human race is freaking out because they think America is turning more Nazi/fascist every day. Sadly, the rest of the human race is right. - Jerky] Or, are you too busy loving small farm animals like your fathers (well the males who impregnated your mothers) did? Signed: Dave Hooper [Yay! I win! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com